another numb moment

26th August 2008

its a buzy week towards september 2008, but hell iLL just blog a bit.
its been a while since i had a numb moment. i think the last was that one week of waiting if my baby will survive or not...

im worried sick about one thing right now, and its the level of prolactin in my blood that recently my doc discovered. supposedly just a normal sugar and hormone level tests, ended up making me worried as hell (and still am!!!!)

my level of prolactin has sky rocketed..
prolactin is something found at the base of the brain. is usually low in men and nonpregnant women. this is because its role is to promote lactation aka breast milk production.. so if i am pregnant right now , its normal to have such high prolactin. thing is... im not...
and worst, since im not, an elevated prolactin may b because there is a probability i have a growing tumor in my body, and yes particularly in the brain..(oh crap)..

since the doc im meeting is not my gynie, she couldnt really point out what is causing the prolactin level to be so high, but she listed the probabilities, which again, made me feel numb and hopeless

- since my period only came after 4 months after my last d n c, she is thnking, i might just had a second miscarriage and if that is true, then it is NORMAL for the prolactin to be that high at this moment, and advice me to hurriedly go for a second d n c.

-during my pregnancy, they found a small cyst near the fetus but since it was too small, they didnt remove it, and after the d n c, they couldnt see it anymore. this i could relate to the next probability of the high level of prolactin, polycystic ovary syndrome. this is a situation where i have incomplete dev of grafian follicles in the ovary, and may result to multiple cysts near the ovary. If untreated, it will damage the tissues around it.

-hypothyroidism. mm this one too doesnt seem like it, she checked my neck to see if there were any sign of swollen near there, and further demand i go for further checkups (hence she cucuk me some more for blood sample..geeeezzz)

- drugs: she asked me if i am taking any sort of antidepressant, estrogen sort of drug because this too can trigger the high level of prolactin and this is definitely out.

-kidney disease : another prob i dunt want to slash off just yet, even tough my urine colour is fine

- anorexia nervosa :MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..definitely not! (dalam numbness ni, harus gelak besar jugak..kih kih kih )

- other pituitary tumor (oh crap)

- brain tumor (this one hit me the most!) symptoms are almost there,slight dizziness and blurry in the eyes...aiyoo

so here i am, another numb moment. Im due for another appointment this saturday, then if more numbness news comes (nauzzubillah, jauhkanlah ya Allah ya tuhanku) im going for a second opinion...and might do other tests, MRI to scan the brain, FSH and LH to evaluate the ovulation and fertility and eye examination to evaluate visual disturbance.

Im still smiling, still wondering why the hell i can be so obsessed over certain things, as well becoming to like even deeper the lirics and paintings of joniMitchell..and i will always keep in my heart like wht yg said, "kita jgn putus asa, kita ikhtiar apa yg boleh"

but then again, that is my life,
full of jgn putus asa, and ikhtiar apa yg boleh...
mmmmm...

both sides now..

the great joni mitchell

the first time ive heard of joni mitchell was actually in europe when being there for 12 days in a busTour with other tourists, a canadian gurl told me about her. She was comparing her to another popular canadian artist (oh crap forgotten her), while me, i was so Alanis i forget all about joni.

thne it popped up again in the movie 'love, actually' about the wife and the husband's loveStory, and that she found a lovely necklace in his pocket, all hyped out that it was her Christmas present, only later found out that she gotten the latest joni mitchell album instead.

although she was a great fan of joni, and very thoughtful of him to actually and finally get her something she would really like and treasure (instead of scarfs she would never wear..haha typical), the damage has been done.
As the children and the husband waited for her to attend a christmas show in the living room, she went up to her room , put on the joni album and cried all by herself. it took her just minutes to get herself together, and move on like everything was ok.

later in the story, she did finally confront him, and its the way she did it, that u'd know, she has questioned something she believed in so much ...
and how she feels love has been around has always been around, and yet it betrayed and confuse her...
in the end, she stayed.. because it is Love, actually..

'both sides now' by joni mitchell is one of the soundtrack from that motion picture. I can relate to the lirics, because at some point of my life, i seen love this way too. Ive witnessed how love have betrayed me, crushed me and at some point made me the flavour of the weak.
But looking at it both sides, ive also looked at love, as a fresh new air, the next best thing, the one that will be standing there, if not forever, just as long as my life would lead..
Ive also learned that for every happiness door that closes on me in the past, i waited in front of it too long, i missed the other doors that were opening for me.
good thing i finally did knock on the right one. ( " ,)

(enjoy!)

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all


22nd August 2008

oh harus aku puji JPN

1st August 2008

and so i lost my atm card (in cambodia to be exact).
inilar padah tak mau dengar cakap mama, when she said to leave all non usable cards so the wallets gets thin, i taknak dengar..aiyoo

anyways, ive had my atm card since 2002 so its actually been a while. and so after one meeting, i tried my luck to just go to the nearest bank and get over it..
got the forms ready, met the officer in charge, she even offerred me a cherry like card with visa sticker on it, for better, wider usage
(dengan muka terpegun terus accept.hahaha)..

then she asked for my ic to scan through, she tried a number of times, but no data came out.she took an eraser and started using it on the chip, to clean it up i guess
(kutla i guna to scratch things ke..ewww) and still nothing came out.

at last she told "kak, ic kak ni takleh nak baca la, kak kena betulkan dulu ic ni, baru bole dpt atm kad ni " CRAAAAPPPPPPP

it was 12.30 pm by then, almost lunch time, tho JPN (JABATAN PENDAFTARAN NEGARA) putrajaya was just a block away, i was contemplating.. nak pergi ke tak..nak pergi ke tak..??..mmmm

so loads went through my head -

(i) ah crap (of course most current and frequent phrase used..haha)
(ii) oh man, sure JPN ramai giler babeng orng (imagining few counter on the ground floor, with only 2 counter opens, and a line, so long, it goes round the block..crap crapp)
(iii)bukak ke JPN ni, ni da nak dekat lunchTime ni..
(iv)duit 100USD ada lagi sekeping dalam wallet, kalau tukar ni tahan lagi seminggu dua ni ..lalala
(v) parking..ada parking ke?
(vi) i ada member ke eh kat JPN (ha ha ha, nak guna tektik kotor potong line..haha)
(vii) ah crap sure siap lambat
(viii) lapar siut (nak lunch time kan..haha)

but amidts all that, i actually gagahkan diri untuk pergi jugak.

first round near the JPN Putrajaya, i terlepas the open parking space they provided next to the building.
(bukan terlepas ape, apparently this open parking space has no proper entry,
nampak side jalan cam run over a thousand times, ha tu la entrance nyer)

to my surprise, i masuk the building, there was no line, no counter at all,
ada la counter pertanyaan.
in my head im thinking eh salah masuk ke??
then i thought should i just ask him "nak buat ic kat mana" ke or tell him " i ada ic, tapi macam rosak, kat mana nak betulkan".
both sounded like idiotic questions, but i didnt have to, because just as i was approaching the counter, terpampang sign board, lengkap bersama arrow and all.

bahagian perkahwinan dan cerai aras 1
bahagian kad pengenalan aras 2
bahagian kerakyatan aras 3
and next to it was the elevator..wahhhh

and next to the elevator states JPN dibuka dari 7.30pg-5.30ptng, isnin hingga jumaat, dan DIBUKA WAKTU REHAT....double wahhhhhh

so i went up second floor, lengkap la all the signage, there was like 32 counters (16 on each sides) and the best part, NO LINE..wehooo
i pun pergila counter to get the calling number, and just sempat sms one msg to yang telling him half of my story, they called my number da...waah waah waaahh

then the next drama happened, they scanned my left thumb and within seconds the computer approve its match, the right thumb was a problem.
kesian the lady at the counter, numerous times, she adjusted my right thumb, trying to match. but it didnt
"kak takleh ke kalau terima ibu jari kiri je?" another stupid question of mine
" eh mana bole, ni kalau takleh nak baca ni, IC siap LAMBAT ni"
ah CRAAAAAaaaappp

then a light of hope came
" semalam pun macam ni jugak, ada la satu cina ni, ibu jari dya langsung tak bole baca, tapi last last dya cuba sendiri, bole pulak"
sedikit i terkinja kinja keseronokkan..hahaha

then another officer came, and he tried his luck..nope
then another came, sama jugak...thumping my thumb bertubi tubi (sambil lap lap dengan tisu..aiyoo) and still failed..
soon there was like 4 officer (i guess lunch time, and there was like no one else to entertain, so reramai la serbu ibu jari i..hahahaha)

the first lady repeated her earlier statement, crappp
" ni kalau tak bole ni, lama sikit la ic siap, dalam 2 minggu ke sebulan"
triple crapppppp disitu!!!

then just as about hope was fading, finally it could read, then of course the officer who did it, kept bragging saying things like " ha tu la, kena sabar dan pro dalam buat menda nie" ek eleh...kecoh

took a new picture
( i was wearing white tudung, so kena tukar, in which they provided, wangi and all),
and in a day., SIAP!!.
yeay...

so people out there still complaining about the govt counter service,
stop criticizing and assuming "business is as usual" for govt agencies,
before trying it ureself.
(ni reminder pada diri sendiri sebenarnya..haha)

even a govt officer like myself can get surprised!

good job JPN!!